See what it is like for participants on campus in their bodies, the places and spaces they feel at home or comfortable in their body; where they feel uncomfortable on campus, and how they navigate those feelings.
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PLACES
& SPACES
"The whole time I'm on a bus I'm thinking, is someone going to sit next to me? If someone does sit next to me how am I going to make myself as small as possible so that I'm not encroaching on their space even though that's not how the bus works, you're going to be all up in everybody's business but like constantly thinking about that."
Drag and click chairs.
"it shouldn't just be humanities based places, social science, or social based places that are the only places that make fat people feel comfortable, because a lot of times those things are not relegated to academic rigor, which we know is unfair. But I think that there should be like more spaces on campus that are designed again for people to be immersed in their academics to also have this sort of freedom and to feel like they just aren't taking up too much space."
So it's a single stall room that you can lock with a shower and a bathroom. And so once I'm inside this room, there's no one else but me. And there are no mirrors inside, which is actually fantastic. So I can just take a shower, I don't have to worry about nobody.
I can be in this place and no one's going to ask anything because I'm alone. It is also the most uncomfortable space, I think because of what the room represents. There's never not a time when trans people are forced to negotiate a bathroom. Not of our own volition, usually for other people's volition. There's deep frustration that I have to think twice as hard to go into a restroom space.
So yeah, it's very comfortable and now I'm like, it's alone. It's just me and my thoughts. I can take my time in here, do whatever. But it's also, I'm also really kind of frustrated that the nature of that space exists and also kind of grateful because sometimes my knees will hurt or my back will hurt after I'm done, so there's a bench in sign, so I can sit and I can relax. And I don't have to try and force myself to move quickly. Actually, it's really weird. It's actually a very comfortable room, so it's this really interesting place of like, it's deeply comfortable. And also, I'm mad that that's the way that it has to be.
“And also part of my identity as a physically-disabled person, and my identity as a fat person, are very closely linked. So I can't just lose weight, like the way that people like tell me to. And it took me so long to get diagnosed with the disorder that I do have, because a lot of the things were just doctors went, "Oh, you're just fat."
So I've kind of been conditioned not to talk about it, because I've learned that people usually don't take you seriously, or they'll treat it as you being hyper PC and stuff. And they'll be like, "Oh yeah, okay." But they think it's something that you can change, so they don't really care as much. And they don't want to have to put in the effort to change things themselves. They're like, "Why don't you just lose weight if it's a problem."
Bacchus or Dionysus are one and the same in a spiritual connection way. He's the god of libations, the god of alcohol and partying and revelry and almost a hedonistic figure, especially Bacchus, the Roman version. [This painting] was near my go-to study spot. Bacchus, in this version by this artist, looks like me. And I think that the character, Dionysus or Bacchus, is sometimes represented as a young, beautiful skinny fit man. Sometimes he's represented as an old fat man, but this time it was somewhere in between where he felt like he was still young and youthful, and it had some good looks and good features to him, but he was chubby, he was fat. He was enjoying himself. He was eating that donut. And I needed that, I needed that in my college to experience. I don't normally see people with my body type displayed in art around campus….But this was just out in the wild, just out there and I found it and it just felt good. Maybe consider this part of my write my own prompt of, what do I see? Because what I was thinking about with that was where do you see yourself on campus? And, this is where I see myself.”
"I chose the outside just because the inside I was thinking like, where am I going to take pictures inside of furniture?
I realized there's not a lot of furniture in the building. So I was like, that actually might be why I never mind coming here for meeting up with friends. We'll sit on the steps if it's warm enough, they have a little outside garden area that has stone seating, but that's more for aesthetic than anything else. But because of that, the stone seating is like really, really big. It can fit probably three, four people on a single stone bench.
So it's just really nice, the steps aren't too long, so I don't be out of like super duper breath getting up all those steps, which is good for me, because a lot of the school buildings we have are really old. So they may not have like a good elevator there, so I might have to walk up a whole, whole bunch of steps. But this is the outside of it, and there's always events kind of going on here, and even though I'm not in art, I really do enjoy this building."
I really was thinking about where I have been, I don't want to use the words physically harmed, because that sounds [00:03:00] like a lot, but the lecture hall that I sat in for a semester and I had bruises because the lecture seats are so tiny, and the room that I took stats in and I had to find my own testing accommodations because I couldn't fit in the seat and fold the little stupid desk over. But yes, when I read being uncomfortable, I was like, yes, let me think of the most traumatic things that happened to me [00:03:30] in undergrad because I'm fat.
social
experience
“So these are like in the lecture hall that I took my stats class in. It's very narrow, it has the stupid little fold over desk. It got to the point where I was going to class and I was like, do I need to invest in a clipboard so I can take some fricking notes because this does not work. This is like, when I saw the posting about this study, this is exactly the scenario that I thought of that I was like, if this is the only thing I talk about, this is what I want people to know. Because I tell my thin friends and peers and colleagues the story and they are horrified. But I'm like, this is pretty standard stuff when you live in a fat body.
I took stats [within this lecture hall] my last semester senior year, mistake. I withdrew and then took it in the summer. So I would show up everyday and have to hold my notebook all weird to take my notes because I can't use the stupid little flip over desk. Then, I had to get to the point where we're going to have our first exam and the fear starts setting in of like, are we taking that in this room? Because I don't know how that's going to work.
So I work up the nerve go to office hours, which was terrifying. Tell my professor, ‘So I know we're taking the exam in two weeks, I do not fit in that chair, I cannot fold over the desk.’ It takes a lot of nerve to say that…. I was saying there's a table in the back of the lecture hall that I've scoped out, ‘do you think we could get a chair or something so I could sit at that table and take my exam?’ This professor tells me pretty much, "I don't know how to go about doing that, but if you can figure it out, feel free to do that."
In retrospect I should have escalated that but I didn't because, I didn't even know [why, but] I should have. I know I should have utilized my resources, but in the moment I was just like, ‘I just need to figure this out because I need to take this test.’ It ended up working out because of people I knew... So the person who managed the building my class was in also managed another building that I worked in on campus, so I knew him. So I send him an email, "Hey, I know that you are the building manager for this other building, I have a test on X date, can you get a chair for me so I can sit at that table?"
And of course he said, "Yes, I've got you covered. Don't worry about it." So then whatever, I showed up, I take the test at the table. I did not do well… part of the reason is because, the whole day I'm working myself to go there and I'm thinking like, ‘is there going to be a chair? What if somebody's sitting there? What am I going to do?’ I get there and there is somebody sitting [in the chair] and I'm getting really worked up about it because I'm like, ‘I have to tell them to move because I need to sit there,’ and just start sweating profusely with the whole thing. I think the only reason that ended up working out was because I just so happened to know the building manager, and that is not normal [for a] college student, you know what I mean? Would not be able to pull that off in that way.
But that's why I picked these seats because when I saw the post for this study that is the thing I thought about was like, I had to find my own accommodations because the professor straight up told me, ‘If you can figure it out, feel free to figure it out, but I'm not going to do anything more than that.’ Which is terrible. That's so terrible.”
“One thing that I've gotten in the habit of doing the past few semesters, if I don't know the classroom is, I'll email the instructor before the class starts to say, "Hey, does this classroom have any armless chairs?"
It took me awhile to get up the courage to do that. But I'm glad that I have, because I've been able to get access to an armless chair the past couple semesters.
The first day of class, I'm in there, I can't find the armless chair, even though I've been told there was one.
So, I'm in a chair with arms. And it's a three hour class, so it's really painful. And I eventually was able to find the armless chair. Someone else was sitting in it, and I just kind of asked them, "Hey, can I swap this out?" And they were kind enough to do that.
So, I felt like that photo represented that journey for me a little bit. It took two or three different steps to make sure that I had access to seating that would work for me."
“Regarding student health… so the whole trans thing. In general, they give care, but it's not great. For context, I have to be seen [upstairs] in Women's Health because they have no providers on any other side, who will see trans people… [it’s] so annoying. I hate it so much.
So I always try and time my visit… either early in the morning or at the end of the day, so there's no other students around. But every time I go in, [my doctor] frequently tells me I'm overweight. ‘Oh, I need you to lose 10 pounds.’ I've been on campus now for going on three years, and she's the person who consistently tells me I need to lose weight. And she is the doctor who also prescribes my hormones.
So there's this really interesting dynamic of, ‘I can't get a new doctor because there actually isn't one. And yet, she's the person who makes the frequent, most comments about my body.’ [What’s also] interesting is where she says things like, ‘Well, if your testosterone levels are too high, we might need to move them down because it'll throw off your weight. And you already have this family history for the men in your family. So we're going to play with your body regulators, so that way, maybe you lose weight.’ It's like a whole scientific bullshit thing. So I hate having to go to Student Health because in any given moment, someone's going to make a comment about me being black, or… about someone else who's a person of color in that space, or… whole process about me being trans. It literally is just a deeply uncomfortable space. And yet, I have to go there every month to get my prescription refilled.
But it is Student Health in particular that I find to be really frustrating…you have Student Health, you have the Orthopedic, Personal Training, Physical Therapy Center, and then you have Disability Resource Center Services. And so you're frequently standing in this place where at any given moment you have people using different types of mobility aids working out next to the basketball team, next to people who are sick. It is a really interesting space to be someone who doesn't have a normative body type because you're consistently having to collide with types of othering in any way.”
“Whatever I have in front of me, whether it's my planner, or if it's homework, or if I'm doing something on the computer, is it professional enough looking towards other people that they don't notice my fatness?”
"You can't really see it that well from the angle, but this is one of the largest hills on campus. It doesn't sound that bad, or it's definitely not that bad compared to some other hills that I've had to climb up. But my dorm is at the very top of the hill, and it's all the way on the farthest edge of campus, very far where my classes and the dining hall are.
So it's a long walk back to there, and then I have to climb this hill. And because of my disability, climbing hills is very difficult for me and I'll get out of breath even quicker. And I've oftentimes like, while I'm trying to get up the hill and I'm panting a bit, I notice people staring at me.
It's not just social anxiety. I see them actually looking at me and raising an eyebrow. Sometimes they even look a little disgusted. And to be honest, when that happens, my thought is just like, "Go away. What's wrong? I'm trying to get up this hill, this isn't your business."
I feel like they often think, "Oh it's because she's fat. She's out of shape. They can't climb the hill because they're a fat person." And that really bothers me for some reason.
Because it's true, I have trouble climbing the hill, but they always assume, "Oh it's because they're fat." … a lot of people just chalk it up, "They can't do this because they're fat. They have trouble breathing?
Fat, fat, fat fat, fat."
BEING FAT ON CAMPUS
I was waiting on the elevator, and I'm like, "What the heck?" So, there's this platform next to the elevator saying, "Take the stairs. Don't spend a hundred dollars on novelty sneakers. Climbing stairs shapes your glutes and legs. Health cares, take the stairs." And there are these two thin, white people just standing there. I'm like, "Jesus, okay. I could do a whole rhetoric assignment on this."
It's almost like inducing shame for taking the elevator.
And then, it has all these assumptions it's making, like A, that glutes and legs need to be shaped a certain way, and that only happens through a certain kind of activity. And that people who don't have those glutes and legs are not doing that activity. And there's also this sort of moral judgment because it's like, "Don't spend a hundred dollars on novelty sneakers."
Like, okay, you're saying I'm lazy. I want to take the easy way out to get my legs and glutes to look a certain way. And if I just took the stairs, I wouldn't have to be so stupid and lazy to do that, to get that result. And you're assuming I want that result. I was just like, "Oh, my God."
If you look closely at this email but there is no unsubscribe button. I had to block that email. Because all it’s like, “hey, weight loss, hey you're fat probably, we don't know,” kind of thing. My cohort peer is sort of a campus sponsor and she was trying to tell us, oh sign up for the thing it's a wellness thing. I was like no, I'm not going to do that. I almost wanted to tell her, hey how do I unsubscribe from those emails? [They make] me feel self conscious. It triggers my disordered eating behaviors. I don't want to think about that at work. That kind of thought.
"I'm finally in a place with classmates and professors who are really hearing [my experiences] and understanding it. I'm queer as well, so I felt comfortable talking about it in the classroom.
In a larger sense, just being able to be an academic and talk about these identities like any other identity is kind of a new thing for me. I think, even when I started college in 2016, we were not having conversations about fatness."
"These are some examples of shirt sizes from the book store. I kind of did a spot check like, 'okay what does this rack show?' And some of them were going up to mediums, most of them ended around extra large, extra extra large. I think the biggest size I saw was a three x in that orange shirt that says school dad. I could probably wear a school dad shirt, but I'm not going to. It's hard to find anything larger than a two x."